“Codependency is inevitable” – this was the realization I reached after many years of trying to figure out just why I and almost everyone around me shows some sign of it. Some more, some less, but the only people who don’t have it are the ones that have spent time working on it.
So let me take you on a journey of thought and reflection. It starts with my own story and finishes with some pretty unique perspectives on codependency, how it’s formed and what to do about it.
First let’s define it so we know what we’re dealing with here – Codependency happens when someone needs another to behave in a certain way in order to feel happiness or completion.
For me this felt normal. It was the case in my early relationships and I was okay with it because I imagined that this was the accepted paradigm and there wasn’t any other way.
It took codependency slapping me in the face to really overcome it. It happened in my 3rd relationship. It was a whirlwind romance. We were living together practically after the 3rd date.
It felt amazing, blissful, complete. Sound familiar?
We had a child together – then we moved from England (my home country) to Austria (her home country). That’s where it all changed.
I was leaving everything behind except my daughter and partner – and I clung to the idea of things being how it always was with them. I clung to the old ways I received love as the only part of me that was left in my new life.
However, my daughter formed a new bond with her grandmother in Austria who systematically kept me from being a parent to her, taking over whenever she needed anything and even speaking over the top of me whenever I spoke to her.
My partner was working a lot and understandably didn’t have so much energy for our relationship after her work and parenting responsibilities. I was physically dependent on her – I didn’t speak the language, I didn’t know the system, I didn’t know anyone!
But instead of trying to branch out on my own I continued to take the comfortable option and rely on her (mostly). Over time it put a strain on the relationship. I expected things to be as they always were.
I expected that blissful sense of completion, and I expected her to fulfil it with me.
She became more and more distant, refusing to talk or even acknowledge a problem in the relationship. She started gaslighting me and putting me down when she felt things getting too ‘emotional’.
I reacted by doing everything I could to please her in the hope that she would show me the love she once had. What else could I do to get that love I so craved? Sometimes it even worked.
I ignored my boundaries, I didn’t speak up when I disagreed, I was afraid to ask for things that I wanted/needed.
Over the course of 2-3 years I slowly realized that this couldn’t be ‘how it’s supposed to be’. I slowly realized that despite the intense loss I felt, there could be something better for me out there.
So I made the jump and ended the relationship....<<<Read More>>>...
