As the interactions by 'the higher density intelligences' drift back into the background, and their 'handling' of me fades to the periphery of my senses, so does my reporting of them in A Light In The Darkness. As has always been the case in my life, I carry on regardless forgetting their interplay with my 3rd density awareness, permitting it to drift out of conscious memory into the back seat position of 'yesterday'. I have never actually forgotten about their interactions; how can I? When it has contributed to shaping my life.
It is much like 'now that the rat has been made aware of its captors once more, the captors fade into the shadows to observe the rat in its adjusted environment'.
I know something of significance has taken place in their recent foray down into the 3rd density where I reside. There are subtle changes to my thought patterns and my reactions; to my sleep patterns; to my general interactions in life. However, I am still missing the 'significance' and the greater picture as I continue to reside in this backwater existence with my thousand and one questions mized with a thousand and one answers, all milling around out of order in my consciousness. I am subjected to all the mind swilling, brain washing and consumption of daily poisons like everyone else. I still feel trapped and morose. None of that has changed. I still sense time is short and timing is vital to ensure that 'something' is achieved. I still sense the mocking silence they leave in my awareness - the blind spot where answers to 'who am I really' and 'what should I be doing' and 'how do we get out of this mess' should reside. These key answers have deliberately been omitted from my mind. Wiped clear at some point in the past and all attempts to regain those answers sets me back into the maelstrom once more.
I stand in no-man's land without a weapon with hostile forces on either side. I do not truly know which side I should be on as my consciousness is a hybrid of the two. It is a circle going round and round; I don't remember getting into the circle and I can't get out. Life hasn't always been like this. But I do know there has been a large part of my life rehearsing for these times. I'm in the make or break; but nobody has elected to tell me how to solve the problem ... it is really scary. Especially as so much on the outside physical world relies on me to 'remain sane' and be a 'working man'. I would love to ride this madness, deem myself totally insane and go on the meditation sojourn I went nearly twenty years ago (that long ago already? Doesn't time fly?) . I would just love to throw all the weight off my shoulders and close my eyes and enter a visionary state for ten hours a day every day as I once did. I would find the answers that way. But sadly no dollars would be earned (or is it earnt) and we would all be very soon homeless. So that choice has been taken away from me too. The intelligences are really clever and devious; they've thought this all through carefully. Leaving me with so few options this time. No room to move or breathe. Just tiny little clues like A Light In The Darkness or remote viewing. Sadly not dollar earners, so Kristine is not best pleased with my attitude at times. I am concerned with it all, but the spiritual aspects for me are what keep me alive. They are the energising thoughts which keep me going. Without them I would have ceased to be in the virtual reality world a long time ago.When the intelligencies interact again I do not know. But I still retain memories of their visitations and the overwhelming facsimiles which take over my consciousness. I still remember my name being called and the powerful coincidences that steer me into a direction. However, I am powerless to change the environment around me; despite trying. The thought form world around me moves on slowly. Much too slowly for my liking. It is a real test of will. Which I know it is meant to be. I feel weary at all times. Tired of it all. Yearning for a better life away from the heartache we experience on a daily basis. My ancientness is my downfall but then it is a revelation which I question. I perceive at times it could all be powerful thoughts added to my mind by the Intelligences to deceive me or to motivate me. I am distrustful now of so much in the way of thoughts I took for granted and gained comfort from. This is the main reason I retired as a Medium & Tarot/Rune reader. What I thought was a unique and powerful ability which astounded people here in NZ & in the UK, I question. I now perceive as being placed in my mind as an experiment or a test. I question so much of it all ... my ideas on reincarnation and genetics. I could just be a 'first time in body' for all I know. I am confused by it all for the first time ever. This is maybe part and parcel of the Long Dark Night Of The Soul where everything to do with belief is withdrawn until only the basics for existence remain. We have that alright. Everything has been withdrawn for sure. We are on the last thread of the rope before plunging down the plug hole into oblivion.
If this is part of the Intelligences observation period then it is the most painful stage of it all YET. I can only learn to accept the situation and anticipate it to be another stage of initiation. But it has gone on for so long!! Five years of a maelstrom wears you down. The few times the intelligences come in close and pull back the amnesia is like operant conditioning. I exist for those moments, not knowing when the next one arrives, just knowing it will. I attempt to remote view my own 'life future' like I was able to do in the 'past' with accurate results. However, these days it is all a blank cliff face. I see nothing. All is dark. There are no insights. The feeling of being trapped is overwhelming. Especially as I feel that this is it for the rest of my 'natural'. I can't see a way out. I feel helpless and it is the first time I've ever felt like this. I'm scared. But not fearfully. I don't give energy away that easily. I know it is all manufactured and I am trying to endure this period indefinately or for as long as I must; I know it will end and we will be in the sunshine again. But until then ... I get through each day the best way I can ...
