Since returning home, from the hospital ward, five weeks ago, my sub-conscious has been working overtime bringing fears to the conscious mind. It has not been easy. Recurrent panic attacks and spates of tension, sheer panic even. Tonight is one of those moments. Somehow, being outside even for a moment, has helped in its own way. A few breaths of that night air appears to have calmed me. Hence, the real need to turn to the creative arts, to become positive and turn my mind away from the tension and panic which occupies part of me at this time.
A healing earlier and the digestion of a few drops of Dragon's Blood appears to be the cause of this latest episode. Today had been such a good day, that was until storm clouds began to brew ... and tension descended around my temples once more. My sinuses and ear passages having playing up again today. Full bore mucus and ear pressure. Something that has plagued me since mid October 2013. It just won't go away. The main source of my terror ... I need fresh air blowing through the room I reside in ... if I don't then the anxiety builds and I begin to panic. It commences across the chest and the tension gets real bad. It is so far proving to be the hardest mountain to climb. A journey I have to go alone ...
A sip on some warming Lemon tea as I try to overcome the chill that encompasses me. I've had the shivers since the healing. I struggle now to get warm. I've tried lying in bed to sleep. Twice. To no avail. Too much tension circulates. And it is fear based reaction I know. But what is the cause ... that is this the scary part. I cannot trace the reason behind this constant terror ...
Now its a little over 1.00 am and I don't feel much better than when the episode began around 11 pm? My heart beat is better, I guess. But I'm still experiencing this emotional pain which is boarding on blind terror at this point - I've switched off the portable fan as it is too cool in the room. The air in the room is still, and it really won't be long until I can't stand the stillness.
Maybe this is the effects of the medication I've been taking? I already ceased one repeat antibiotic due to its side effects matching my experiences. I've another with one day left to take. Then its the Oxycontin to finish. I ceased the Endone last week ... I've few chemical concoctions to blame. Then I'm left with the conclusion it is my frame of mind. Which is not good. I was fine prior to my hospital nightmare which commenced mid October 2013. I was fine. None of this terror. I slept so well at night. None of these tensions and night vigils. So ... what has happened since then?
I'm a long, long way away from being 'back to my self'. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever return. I'm worried this now the way that I now will always be. It's taking too long ... will it ever change?
