TEENAGE SONS-THE MANUAL

When you hit the teenage years, you must immediately forget how to communicate in intelligible language.

When being spoken to by your parents, remember only to reply in Neanderthal-like grunts or anything that makes you sound like a constipated pig. When conversing with your peers, call each other by endearing names such as Gorm, Duffer, Twonk, Bonehead, Oik, Geek or Dweeb, use terminology that adults don't understand and greet everyone with "Safe!"

Always act as though you're terminally miserable. Skulk around with hunched shoulders, shuffle along barely lifting your heels from the floor and sport an expression like a bloodhound that's had its bone stolen.

Scowl at anyone who looks at you and, if you find something amusing, (which isn't often), smirk with a lopsided and scathing curl of the upper lip.

When in public with your parents, adhere to the following rules: 1. Never acknowledge that you are related to them in any way, shape or form. 2. Trudge along ten paces behind them, gazing at your feet or grimacing at passing strangers. 3. If your parents dare to speak to you, glare at them as though they're psychotic individuals who must have escaped from the psychiatric wing of a local hospice.

When at home with your parents, repeat points one and three above.

When in public with a group of four or more of your mates, loll around monuments, escalators, clock towers or benches in shopping centres, or 'hang out' in your terms. Act as though you have two brain cells between you and intimidate passers-by with a simple stare.

Let out multi-syllabic belches and fart as noisily as possible, laughing aloud following each bout of flatulence.

Remember that personal hygiene is an alien concept, until the discovery of the opposite sex necessitates a brief affiliation with soap, water and hair gel. Until such time, however, treat grooming as an unnecessary preparation reserved only for wimpish mummies' boys.

Do everything possible to avoid contact with soap, shower gel or shampoo more regularly than once a fortnight. Extract the dirt from between your toenails with your fingers, roll into a ball and flick it across the room, aiming at any objective that emits a satisfying click when hit by the offending missile.

Do the same with any interesting finds that you locate in various orifices of your body.

Don't use rubbish bins. Simply, stuff empty M&M packets, half-eaten sandwiches and savoury pie wrappers underneath your mattress or, alternatively, on the floor between the side of your bed and the wall against which it is positioned. Leave these there until such time as the smell of decaying food alerts your mother to the putrefying garbage heap beneath your bed.

Don't make use of laundry baskets. Leave dirty linen discarded around your room, until the next time you decide to wear the items and then, simply pluck them from the crusty heap on the floor.

Once an article of clothing becomes too disgusting even for you to wear, complain to your mother because she didn't have the forethought to peel it from your carpet between her thumb and forefinger and place in the washing machine on a heavy duty cycle.

Everything you wear must be at least five sizes' too big or should at least have room to accommodate both you and several of your mates at the same time. This applies to combat trousers, jeans, jogging bottoms, T-shirts and sweatshirts. The complete ensemble should look like a second-hand bargain from a charity shop, but should cost as much as a Caribbean cruise.

Tell your parents, at regular intervals, that you hate them and, when castigated, remember the one-for-all-occasions saying, "Well, I never asked to be born, did I?"

When accused of anything, deny everything with an incredulous how-could-you-possibly-accuse-me-of-that expression on your face. Drop your jaw open so far that your chin hits your chest, widen your eyes so that the area of white exceeds that of the iris and then emit a gasp in reverse.

If, after this convincing display of innocence, you are still deemed to be guilty, bellow some blasphemous expletive and stomp off, thumping anything that happens to invade your personal space, whether it be an inanimate object such as a door, or an unsuspecting victim such as a younger brother or the family cat.

There is only one occasion upon which you should attempt to exchange a few civil words with your parents, and that is, when you need some money. Adopt a similar style with the eyes as highlighted above to convey the cute, childlike look, but in an attempt to look dejected and needy, enough to melt even the hardest heart. And, ultimately to get you what you want. If this fails to achieve the desired effect, repeat the entire scenario described two paragraphs above.

If, horror of horrors, your parents decide to ground you or send you to your room, re-enact a scene from a 70's rock concert.

Stamp up and down in a Rumplestiltskin-like rage, roar unpleasant and capricious remarks, and hurl any object within your reach across the room, the heavier the article, the better.

Whatever the situation, wherever the place and whatever the accusation, what you will quickly realise is that when you behave like a rhino that's been provoked, your parents will nearly always give in to you for the sake of a quiet life and to prevent voluntary admission to a rehabilitation unit...

Aahhhhh my lovely wonderful teen son is leaving home this week....but not before one final blackmail of "I can't leave until I have a car, I NEED a car"......LOL